Slow is the New Speeding
Who else misses the good old days? You know, the ones where some rich asshole would roar up behind you in a sportscar, weave all around, trying to find a minuscule gap in traffic to pass you, and flip you off as they went by. Or, later, those grand old days when some rich asshole would come roaring up behind you in an a huge SUV, get about six inches from your bumper, and x-ray your brain with their bright-blue highbeams. They'd never pass, of course, because they can't accelerate without completely draining the 80-gallon fuel tank and emitting enough carbon monoxide to choke a whole boatfull of greenpeace anti-whaling protesters.
Not any more. Now slow is the new speeding. Now those very same rich assholes are hiding their hummers at home, disguised as drive-through coffee kiosks or drive-in movie theaters. Now those very same rich assholes have all decided, in their collective hive mind, that slow is the new speeding. Now they pull out in front of you, on the freeway, going thirty-three miles per hour and cause you, who are driving modestly in the right lane, to slam on your brakes and spill your tepid McDonalds coffee (it's all you can afford, there's a recession on, don't you know?) all over your slacks. Now why, you might ask, are they driving thirty-three miles per hour on the freeway? There are, I think, three reasons:
a) They're driving while trying to associate their now-mandatory bluetooth hands-free headset to their iPhone and/or Blackberry, a process that takes a somewhat higher IQ than a tick, which pretty-much leaves them right out - they did, after all, purchase, and are now driving, on purpose, a diarrhea-green Prius.
b) They haven't driven anything weighing less than 3 tons in 10 years, and the shuddering of their diarrhea-green Prius at 33 MPH makes them believe they are actually driving 90 already.
c) That's all the faster their pathetic little hybrid rollerskate can go, anyway. Besides, without the momentum of their seven-thousand, one-hundred-and-fifty-four pound curb-weight (seriously, I looked it up) hummer keeping them more or less in a straight line, it turns out they don't actually have the driving skill to STAY BETWEEN THE LINES, causing you, who have just had to execute an emergency maneuver to avoid rear-ending their stupid ass, to dump the rest of your tepid coffee on the floor, when that very same diarrhea-green Prius comes over the line at you as you pass it. Son of a -bitch.-
Slow is the new speeding.
Not any more. Now slow is the new speeding. Now those very same rich assholes are hiding their hummers at home, disguised as drive-through coffee kiosks or drive-in movie theaters. Now those very same rich assholes have all decided, in their collective hive mind, that slow is the new speeding. Now they pull out in front of you, on the freeway, going thirty-three miles per hour and cause you, who are driving modestly in the right lane, to slam on your brakes and spill your tepid McDonalds coffee (it's all you can afford, there's a recession on, don't you know?) all over your slacks. Now why, you might ask, are they driving thirty-three miles per hour on the freeway? There are, I think, three reasons:
a) They're driving while trying to associate their now-mandatory bluetooth hands-free headset to their iPhone and/or Blackberry, a process that takes a somewhat higher IQ than a tick, which pretty-much leaves them right out - they did, after all, purchase, and are now driving, on purpose, a diarrhea-green Prius.
b) They haven't driven anything weighing less than 3 tons in 10 years, and the shuddering of their diarrhea-green Prius at 33 MPH makes them believe they are actually driving 90 already.
c) That's all the faster their pathetic little hybrid rollerskate can go, anyway. Besides, without the momentum of their seven-thousand, one-hundred-and-fifty-four pound curb-weight (seriously, I looked it up) hummer keeping them more or less in a straight line, it turns out they don't actually have the driving skill to STAY BETWEEN THE LINES, causing you, who have just had to execute an emergency maneuver to avoid rear-ending their stupid ass, to dump the rest of your tepid coffee on the floor, when that very same diarrhea-green Prius comes over the line at you as you pass it. Son of a -bitch.-
Slow is the new speeding.
posted by Joe at 12:10 PM
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